I was just reading a blog from a christian woman who lost her little girl. It is a very sad story of course but one filled with hope because of her faith. I was reminded this morning of having faith like a child and then ironically her blog spoke of something quite similar.
As most of you know I lost two babies last year, technically one this year in February and one last October but since I am a teacher everything is segmented into school year time. The baby we lost in February was the hardest. For more than one reason. First, we had already lost one in October and second because I had made it to be 16 weeks, I was feeling confident.
To fill you in but keep a long story short the first baby we lost was at about 8 weeks and had no explanation..."it's just one of those things" as the medical staff so gently put it.
The second pregnancy wasn't planned but it happened and the doctor was concerned at the closeness to the previous miscarriage but it had happened and we would just watch it. Having a previous miscarriage at 8 weeks didn't out me at any higher risk for another so nothing special was done. As we progressed i had a feeling that something wasn't quite right. I don't know if it mothers intuition or something God was preparing me for but i know something wasn't right. At my OB appointments they could not find a heart beat but that was explained by the fact that I am not skinny...I still had a funny feeling and was trying not to let the devil convince me something God had given me would be taken away. Well on February 12 I had enough. I was lightly spotting and had a horrible head ache. I had Gregg take me to the ER where we received the worst medical care imaginable. I will spare you the details. After having to beg them to do an ultra sound and check things out we were finally able to see that I was pregnant but it wasn't OK...something wasn't right. The baby in the picture only looked to be a few weeks gestation. The ER doctor tried to convince me that i wasn't 16 weeks pregnant but only around 6-8.
The next day I phoned my Dr. told him the events of the night in the ER and he told me to come right in. I love my Dr. by the way!
He looked at me and decided before we did anything else we should get another ultrasound....
I knew when the picture showed up on the screen something was wrong, I didn't even need to look at the technicians face.
To sum it up the baby had died around 8 weeks and I had what was called a missed-miscarriage. My body didn't realize the baby had died. On February 14, 2008 I had a DNC to deliver Cannan. I was the hardest time of my life. I had not realized it was valentines day...not the way I wanted to celebrate it.
Fast forward............
This morning Alana was telling her friend Peyton that the baby that is in Mommy's tummy now is Moriah and before that Cannan was in Mommy's tummy but Jesus decided that she needed to go back to Heaven and that's OK, she is with Jesus now. Well if you know Alana you know that she is wise beyond her years and Peyton never had a chance to say anything and the conversation ended as quickly as it began.
It made me think about faith like a child....everything is OK according to Alana because, well just because it is. Jesus took care of it end of story. How amazing would it be to be able to deal with the pain in our lives that simply. To be able to say...OK God this is what you decided and I'm OK with it.
Wow, what a peaceful life we would live. I will be honest and say I have spent more time praying for an understanding of why I had to go through all the pain I suffered than I have spent praising God that I am now carrying a baby that will be born in 10 short weeks.
I just want to say thank you God! Thank you for giving me the child I carry now, thank you for blessing me with Alana who shows me more about life than I ever understood on my own. Thank you for a son who keeps me on my toes and a husband who is understanding through all my struggles.
Thank You! Thank you! Thank you!
We also did some good ole' family fishing last night and I wanted to show off our "big fish"!
As most of you know I lost two babies last year, technically one this year in February and one last October but since I am a teacher everything is segmented into school year time. The baby we lost in February was the hardest. For more than one reason. First, we had already lost one in October and second because I had made it to be 16 weeks, I was feeling confident.
To fill you in but keep a long story short the first baby we lost was at about 8 weeks and had no explanation..."it's just one of those things" as the medical staff so gently put it.
The second pregnancy wasn't planned but it happened and the doctor was concerned at the closeness to the previous miscarriage but it had happened and we would just watch it. Having a previous miscarriage at 8 weeks didn't out me at any higher risk for another so nothing special was done. As we progressed i had a feeling that something wasn't quite right. I don't know if it mothers intuition or something God was preparing me for but i know something wasn't right. At my OB appointments they could not find a heart beat but that was explained by the fact that I am not skinny...I still had a funny feeling and was trying not to let the devil convince me something God had given me would be taken away. Well on February 12 I had enough. I was lightly spotting and had a horrible head ache. I had Gregg take me to the ER where we received the worst medical care imaginable. I will spare you the details. After having to beg them to do an ultra sound and check things out we were finally able to see that I was pregnant but it wasn't OK...something wasn't right. The baby in the picture only looked to be a few weeks gestation. The ER doctor tried to convince me that i wasn't 16 weeks pregnant but only around 6-8.
The next day I phoned my Dr. told him the events of the night in the ER and he told me to come right in. I love my Dr. by the way!
He looked at me and decided before we did anything else we should get another ultrasound....
I knew when the picture showed up on the screen something was wrong, I didn't even need to look at the technicians face.
To sum it up the baby had died around 8 weeks and I had what was called a missed-miscarriage. My body didn't realize the baby had died. On February 14, 2008 I had a DNC to deliver Cannan. I was the hardest time of my life. I had not realized it was valentines day...not the way I wanted to celebrate it.
Fast forward............
This morning Alana was telling her friend Peyton that the baby that is in Mommy's tummy now is Moriah and before that Cannan was in Mommy's tummy but Jesus decided that she needed to go back to Heaven and that's OK, she is with Jesus now. Well if you know Alana you know that she is wise beyond her years and Peyton never had a chance to say anything and the conversation ended as quickly as it began.
It made me think about faith like a child....everything is OK according to Alana because, well just because it is. Jesus took care of it end of story. How amazing would it be to be able to deal with the pain in our lives that simply. To be able to say...OK God this is what you decided and I'm OK with it.
Wow, what a peaceful life we would live. I will be honest and say I have spent more time praying for an understanding of why I had to go through all the pain I suffered than I have spent praising God that I am now carrying a baby that will be born in 10 short weeks.
I just want to say thank you God! Thank you for giving me the child I carry now, thank you for blessing me with Alana who shows me more about life than I ever understood on my own. Thank you for a son who keeps me on my toes and a husband who is understanding through all my struggles.
Thank You! Thank you! Thank you!
We also did some good ole' family fishing last night and I wanted to show off our "big fish"!
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